There
is a quote that goes, “holding in anger is like drinking poison and expecting
the other person to die.” Something about that has resonated with me from the moment I first read it. I hold grudges. I hate the fact that I do, but I do not
let things go. Blame it on my intensely specific memory, my straightforwardness,
or my Irish heritage, but I just have an extremely hard time with the motto “forgive
and forget.” I am a trusting individual. If I allow you to become close to me,
I will trust you with my life. If you do something to hurt or betray the trust
that I gave you, I feel as though our relationship is damaged and I cannot help
but see that indiscretion every time I look at you.
Life has a funny way of changing your mind on things though. I have come to the realization that I have so many
wonderful people in my life for me to focus my time and energy. I have an
extremely loving and supportive family, amazing friends, wonderful residents,
and the most indescribably perfect boyfriend. As I have gotten older and at
least a little bit wiser, I have come to the conclusion that I simply do not have
the time or energy in my being to continue to bare all of these grudges.
My
old roommate is the perfect example. She and I did NOT get along, and to be frank,
living in our dorm was the worst college experience I have had, especially the last
three months we lived together. Today, I see her occasionally. We are in
totally opposite majors, but we are both extremely involved individuals. She
lives in the same building as my boyfriend, has a lot to do with programs around
campus, and is applying to be an RA next year. As I was sitting across the
circle from her in a leadership seminar last Saturday, I suddenly realized I
was tired. I was tired of holding these feelings of hate. I was tired of
cringing every time I had to see her. I realized that our paths are going to
continue to cross in the 2 ½ years we have left at our little university and,
whether I liked it or not, I was going to continue to see her. So, right there, I
decided I was done. I was through with the harsh feelings, the bad taste in my
mouth after speaking about her, the glares every time we saw one another. It was
just ridiculous. Yes, she and I ended things on a bad note. But we do not need
to continue to play that bad note. We can both move on to bigger and better and
happier songs.
I
have not spoken to her, so she does not know of my plans to move on. For all I
know, she is going to continue to hate me until the day she dies. I, on the
other hand, am not. I have too much joy in my life to let something as ugly as
hatred ruin it. For every toxic feeling or burnt bridge, I have a dozen happier
memories and loving relationships to turn to. So, that’s it. I refuse to drink
the poison. I’m letting go of my anger and letting my heart be filled with only
love.
Xoxo,
Ciara
