The Gift of Time

I love Christmas. The decorations, the lights, the joy that seeps into everyone's souls, all of it. I love the joy and happiness, the season's greetings, and the well wishes. I love the scent of fresh pine needles, the warm glow of the fire, the twinkling of Christmas lights, the sweet sounds of carols playing in every store. Most importantly, I love how the holiday brings people together. My favorite part of the holiday is Christmas Eve. My family gets all dressed up and goes to 6 o'clock mass. Afterwards, we come home, my dad lights the fire, my mom sets the table with her good wedding china and her Waterford crystal candlesticks. My brothers and I watch a movie or some Christmas special on TV while my parents finish making dinner. We all then sit down and enjoy a wonderfully delicious meal. Afterwards, my siblings and I help clear the table and then disappear to our rooms to finish wrapping presents. We all reconvene around 11pm and, even though we are all older, ages 21-12 to be exact, we sit around the living room and take turns reading The Night Before Christmas. Then, all of the kids go to their rooms for the night. It is such a wonderful evening.

The presents are my favorite part of Christmas. Not receiving them, although that is nice, but giving them. I love giving presents. The thrill of looking for something that you know will bring a smile to a loved one's face is so amazing. I search and search to find the perfect gifts to give my brothers, parents, and friends. I can't shop too early for them though, because I am terribly impatient and cannot wait to give them their gifts.

The past few years however, since I have been in college, I have found myself focusing less on the physical gifts I give and more on making the memories and spending time with the ones I love. Only after moving 2 1/2 hours away did I realize how much I cherish the time spent hanging out with my brothers. Even simple things such as sitting around the dining room table blasting music from our computer and talking have taken on a new meaning now that I am not home everyday to experience them. The greatest gift, I have learned, is simply the gift of time. Time spent with loved ones. Time spent not doing much at all, but doing it together. Time that could be spent in our respective rooms, on our electronics, talking to our friends. So, this Christmas season, I am going to make a real and conscious effort to simply spend more time with my family. They say time is the greatest gift of all, and time spent with the ones you love is never time wasted.

I hope you all consider simply spending time with the ones you love this holiday season. It is something that may seem insignificant at the time, but will surely leave a lasting impression on all those involved. Merry Christmas!

xoxo,
Ciara

Disbanding the "Friend Zone"

         The friend zone. We've all heard of it. Some of us may have been placed in it, while others have done the zoning themselves. Or, as is usually the case, it is a combination of the two. You friend zone a great person because you say you don’t want to “risk losing the friendship.” In reality, you may just not be romantically attracted to this individual. Or perhaps you are attracted to someone else and do not want to mess up any chances you have with them. Regardless, you place someone in “the zone” and it hurts. It hurts them. It hurts you to hurt them. Then, you pursue the other one and are shocked and saddened when THEY place YOU in the friend zone. It happens.

            Why we place these parameters on people we supposedly care so much about, you may ask. Well, my friend-zoning friends, the answer is simple. Fear. We fear losing. We are terrified at the thought of losing the beautiful trust and compassion we have built with this person. The idea of the relationship not working out frightens us so much we do what we believe is the only logical thing left. We place them in a defined compartment in our heart. We think, subconsciously, by placing these important people in “the friend zone” we can keep them in our lives forever. We will never have to worry about losing them, because they have a designated spot in our lives and our hearts.

            This couldn't be further from the truth. Placing limits on your relationships with someone is selfish and unfair. It is not fair to the other person and it is not fair to you. By limiting the type of affection and interaction that can be held between two people you are limiting yourself of so many experiences. If someone knows they only hold a certain position in your life, and there is no possibility of them being anything else to you, they will feel as though they have already lost. You must allow yourself to be open and willing to see potential in every relationship you have. Give your heart the freedom to choose what kinds of relationships you wish to have with certain people, and you will not be disappointed.

            The friend zone. It is a cheap fix to a large problem. Don’t allow yourself to sink into that pattern. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt and live each and every friendship, relationship, and partnership as though it was the real deal. Perhaps your actions will inspire others in your life to reevaluate the ways they look at relationships as well. I guarantee you will not be disappointed. Beware of the zone, my dears!

Xoxo,

Ciara 

If You Like it Then You Should Put a Label on it

“So are you guys like, a thing?” That’s the question that my best friend asked me as we sat in a booth eating greasy French fries and instantly regretting not going to the gym that week. I had just finished telling her about the amazing guy with whom I was friends and the blissfully perfect kiss we had shared. I pondered the question as I dipped another fry into the puddle of Ketchup plopped in the middle of the takeout box. “Ummm… I guess so? I really like him and he said he likes me, but we haven’t gone on an actual date yet.” As I said the words I quickly wished they were not true. I am a firm believer in the old-fashioned dating game. I want to go out on dates and talk and laugh and get to know each other. I love the thought of waiting for that first kiss; the anticipation of the first date; the butterflies, the making sure you look okay, and the overanalyzing every little detail with your best friends in the morning. I just don’t think this is how relationships begin these days.

This guy is great. He’s amazing. He’s smart, hilarious, and so extremely caring. He is considerate and gentlemanly. We can sit for hours and talk and never get bored or we can sit in silence and do our homework and it’s so natural and somehow still fun. One night, my blood sugars were kinda crazy and he not only walked me back to my dorm to make sure I was okay, but insisted on staying until my blood sugar was at a stable level and I was positive I would be able to fall asleep and wake up in the morning. He did all this without a single thought, despite the fact that he had an early class and a paper to edit in the morning. He’s the kind of guy you are proud to know and proud to be friends with. I am so incredibly blessed that he chose me to grow close to and form a relationship with.

I can’t call him my boyfriend though cause we technically aren’t dating. When I want to describe his role in my life to others, it becomes a confusing array of jumbled words. He’s my friend first and foremost. He’s someone I trust. He’s the guy I love to just lay and cuddle and watch a movie. But he’s not my boyfriend. He’s not my friend with benefits either. He’s my potential I guess.

Why, in this age of extreme connections and casual relationships, is it so hard to define what someone is to you? Why are people so seemingly against labeling relationships? When someone means a lot to me, I want to celebrate that. I want to express how important they are to me. I am not the kind of person who wants everyone to know my business. Actually, I am a pretty private person when it comes to my personal life. However, I feel that labeling the role someone plays in your life is just as, if not more, meaningful and important to them as it may be to the way people view your relationship. Labeling the relationship is a way of saying “hey, I like you and you are a really important part of my life and this is the title I think of when I think of you.”

I don’t have a label on this “thing” I have with this amazing guy. We haven’t made anything “Facebook official” (I’m not a fan of that. It just makes things awkward when/if you don’t work out). We don’t know what to call each other except for really important to the other. But I know he cares a lot about me. I know he likes me (at least a little) and I know how I feel about him. So, while a label on this “thing” would be nice, I’m okay for now. 

Listen to Your Heart: Lessons from My Best Friend's Wedding

Too often people do not say what they are really thinking. We’re all guilty of it. We believe that it is better to leave things left unsaid than it is to force ourselves to step out onto the line and speak from the heart. I personally know that I do that. Once, I let a guy know how I felt and was crushed when, the next day, he admitted he did not feel the same way. I avoided him for about 3 weeks after that, purposefully not going where I knew he would be and changing my plans if I found out there was a possibility our paths would intersect. It’s not that I hated the guy; he hadn't led me on or dumped me. We didn't have a dramatic breakup. Rather, I was embarrassed. I hated the fact that he knew what I was truly feeling and did not feel the same way. I felt vulnerable and weak compared to him. My best friend, however, pointed out that, while I may be feeling that way at the time, I shouldn't have to. She commended me for having the guts to show him how I was feeling, stating that she wouldn't have been able to do that.

This got me thinking. Why are people so afraid of feelings? Why would we rather live with so many unexpressed emotions pent up in our hearts? What is so bad about sharing our feelings? My favorite movie of all-time is the 1997 hit My Best Friend’s Wedding. Starring the gorgeous Julia Roberts, the dashing Dermot Mulroney, and a fresh-faced Cameron Diaz, the movie does a fantastic job of showing the real-life dilemma between sharing your true feelings, especially when romance is involved. Jules (Julia Roberts) and Michael (Mulroney) have been best friends for a decade, after a failed attempt at dating. Michael calls Jules out of the blue one day to tell her he’s getting married, and asks her to fly to Chicago to be in the wedding. It is here that Jules realizes that she has been madly in love with Michael. She goes to Chicago with every intention of breaking Michael and his college-aged bride, Kimmy (Diaz) up.

There is a scene in the movie when Jules and Michael finally get to spend some alone time together before the big day. Riding along the Chicago River in a boat, Michael explains to Jules how he feels about their friendship. Here is the clip.

A slew of instances occur over the three day weekend, all culminating on the morning of the wedding. This is the most important part. SPOILER ALERT. After causing Michael to lose his job and get into a huge fight with Kimmy, Jules decides to come clean. She confesses her love for Michael in Kimmy’s backyard, on the morning of their wedding, and then kisses him, as Kimmy approaches.

The scene that follows is the epitome of the movie. After chasing Kimmy around Chicago, Michael and Jules end up in a train station. It is here that Michael thanks Jules for loving him “that much, that way.” Jules realizes that she has lost him as a love interest, but never as a friend. The movie ends with Jules giving the happy couple the song she and Michael claimed as their own.

You’re probably wondering why I am rambling on and on about this 17 year old romantic comedy and ruining it for all of you. Well, that is a two part answer. 1) It’s my favorite movie; I could watch it every day and never get bored of it and talk about it til I’m blue in the face and still love it. But more importantly 2) it’s realistic. It shows that not every story has a fairy-tale ending, but that it’s okay, life goes on. The main lesson the movie teaches is that it is so very important to never leave something unsaid. People deserve to know how you feel. You deserve to be able to tell people how you feel and not keep all of your emotions pent up inside of you.

I have a friend who, much like Jules, is madly in love with her best guy friend. When I asked her if she was going to do anything about it, she replied with a quick and definite “no.” She said she would rather go on silently loving him and never share her emotions that risk losing his friendship over the awkwardness that could possibly ensue should she tell him and he say he does not feel the same way. While I can totally understand her point of view because I've been in that position, I do not think it is smart. Watching her silently be crushed as he flirts with other girls is too much at times. I cannot make her choose to tell him; I can only be there to support her when and if she ever does.

If everyone would just openly tell each other important things such as, “hey, I really like you,” or, “I think we should just be friends,” then the world would be a much happier place. Yes, there would still be heartbreak, but it would be honest and pure. It would not be shrouded in the ugly light that lying, deceit, and covering up leaves. It would just be simple, true, heartbreak. And, while heartbreak may not be the ideal feeling that everyone yearns for, it would be better than the fake happiness so many individuals choose to embrace in today’s world. As George, Jules’ editor, states at the end of the movie, “Life goes on.”

Xoxo,

Ciara 

Learning to Linger

           I live a fairly busy life. I’m a college student taking 18 credit hours a week. I am also an RA, a president of a club, and a true people person who loves to spend time with her friends. Recently, while on the phone with my mum, she said something that caused me to reevaluate the busyness of my everyday routine. She said, “Ciara. You need to learn to linger.” At first I was confused by this statement. What did she mean, “Learn to linger”? I lingered! My friends and I sat in the caf for a few minutes after we finished eating most days. I was great at finding places to go and things to do that would prevent me from returning to my homework. I loved to go and visit my residents and talk to them. But, after looking at myself and my routines, I realized that I actually do not linger. I pop into my residents’ rooms on my way down the hall and out the door. My prolonged sitting in the cafeteria is usually because someone at our table is still eating. My plethora of activities that seem more important are merely ways to procrastinate on my homework. I realized that I was constantly rushing to get everywhere.

                So, I vowed to make a change. One night, I stopped in the duty office of a different residence hall on my way back to my room. I visited with some of my RA friends. We talked, laughed, and had a lot of fun. I hardly glanced at my phone and had no idea how long I had really spent there. It felt nice though. I talked and laughed and had a great time with my fellow RAs and did not feel like I was late for something or needed to be somewhere. Another night, I met my friends at our little food court area to grab something to eat. After we finished eating, we sat and talked and discussed our day. It was nice to not feel rushed or pressured to hurry up and finish.

                So much of our time is spent looking towards the next big thing. Looking ahead to the next meeting, next assignment, next test. We spend so much time preparing for what is next that we often forget to live in the now. Lingering, I have learned, is more than just making more stops somewhere on your way to somewhere else. It is an opportunity to allow your mind to linger at the place instead. It provides a mental slowdown, which is often what we need in our over-stimulated, ultra-technologically advanced world. And so, I dare you. Let yourself linger more often. You will not be disappointed. 

Xoxo,

Ciara

The Way You Look Tonight (and all those years ago)

Have you ever thought about the power of your memory? Just think for a minute. Sometimes, we cannot remember what we ate for breakfast or the name of the person we just met, yet, we can recount with great detail memories that happened years ago. I like to think I have a fairly good memory. My grade school friends had a running joke that, when one person would remember simply the fact that we had a sleepover near Valentine's Day, I would remember what everyone was wearing, who slept where in the living room, and exactly what time we went to bed. I can't help it that I have a good memory! (I recently admitted, however, that I did not remember the first time I met my one friend, despite him remembering it in great detail. Needless to say he was a bit hurt. Oops!)

Anyways, have you ever been sitting somewhere, minding your business, maybe drinking a coffee, reading a magazine, or doing homework, and BAM! You smell a particular smell, or hear a song, and you are instantly transported back to a specific memory? It's crazy. You're in the present one moment, and the next it is like you have traveled back in time. Sometimes, it makes me think of those scenes from that old show, "Cold Case." They would investigate cold cases and try to go back to figure out what the victim was experiencing during that particular time. That was a good show....

ANYWAYS. Tuesday evening, I was sitting in the car on my way home for the night. My dad and I were flipping radio stations trying to find something worth listening to when we stumbled upon a station playing, "The Way You Look Tonight" by Frank Sinatra. It was actually a Michael Buble cover of the song, but regardless, that was it. I was instantly sent on a trip down memory lane.

My dad and I used to listen to this song when I was a young girl. He would blast it on the stereo and we would dance around the living room, me standing on his toes. I can still vividly remembering him spinning me around, while I looked up at him in adoration, laughing hysterically.

Fast forward years later, and I am a freshman in high school. My aunt was on the auxiliary committee for the hospital where she worked and had asked me and my cousin if we would like to volunteer at the annual gala they were hosting. This entailed an evening of dressing up, eating a fancy dinner, and assisting people as they collected their silent auction prizes. Of course we said yes! How could we pass up an evening of dressing up?! I can distinctly remember my dress; a simple black sleeveless just-above-the-knee with a lace overlay. It was elegant and beautiful without being over the top. I loved it. We arrived at the hotel where the gala was being held and felt like princesses ( I would have my real princess moment 4 years later, but that's another story). We spent the evening selling raffle tickets and meeting lots of important doctors and such that my aunt work with. When it came time for dinner, we learned we were being seated with the other volunteers for the evening, That was the start of something wonderful.

My cousin and I sat down and were greeted by our charming table-mates; six good looking boys ranging in age from 15 (my age) to 22 (my cousin was 19). The boy seated to my right was particularly handsome. Wearing a black tux with a silver vest and bow tie, his dark brown hair was perfectly messy and when he smiled, his teeth shone like the polished silver at our place settings. We bonded over our mutual hate for mushrooms and the mushroom soup we had been served. He teased me about my distaste for seafood and dared me to try a scallop. Mike and I (that was his name) talked about everything. From school to our hobbies to our families, we laughed and flirted our way through the evening. It was magical.

Eventually, we were summoned to carry out the duties we had been brought in to do; gather the silent auction prizes and distribute them to their respective buyers. While we walked back and forth across the room, we continued to talk and laugh. At one point, there was a lull in the activity, and we could hear the band starting up back in the ballroom. I looked at him, and said, "I love this song!" He grinned at me, reached out his hand and, as any true gentleman would do, said, "will you dance with me?" And we did. In the lobby of the hotel, outside of the ballroom, away from the adults and silent auction prizes, and other people, we swayed, One of his hands on the small of my back, while mine rested on his broad shoulder. My right hand fit just perfectly in his left and we danced. He sang the words quietly under his breath, and I thought I was dreaming. "Someday, when I'm awfully low/when the world is cold/I will feel a glow/just thinking of you/and the way you look tonight."

Mike and I remained friends for about a year and a half. Then, he went away to college and I became busier with high school activities. And, while we only physically spent time together that one, magical, evening, we developed a friendship that lasted much longer. To this day, whenever I hear that song, I am reminded of that magical evening. I close my eyes and can still hear his voice, low and soft in my ear, feel his arm around me, gentle yet firm, and feel the butterflies that fluttered in my stomach as we shared that magical moment. Oh, the power of memory.  

xoxo,
Ciara

Here is our song!

Not Like the Movies

Hi, my name is Ciara and I'm addicted to the unrealistic expectations of relationships placed into people's minds by movies and TV shows. *cue chorus of other addicts stating, "hi Ciara."* It's true guys. Give me a chick flick and I am the happiest girl in the world. Sleepless in Seattle, While You Were Sleeping, Made of Honor, Definitely Maybe, The Wedding Planner, or my all time favorite movie, My Best Friend's Wedding, are just a few of the sappy rom-coms that decorate my shelf. Give me an action film with even the slightest bit of a romantic plot, like Superman, and I'll spend the entire movie rooting for Lois Lane and Clark Kent, without a care in the world for the actual plot (what was the villain's name in that movie again? I don't even know). And don't even get me started on Nicholas Sparks. I'm pretty sure that man has a direct line to my heart. 

What I have come to realize though, halfway through my third semester of college, is that life is NOT like the movies. Not even Pitch Perfect is accurate enough to describe the relationship scene at my tiny college. In the movies, the guy and the girl meet, the romantic music starts up, their eyes lock, and BAM. It's kismet. They flirt for a little. Go on a date. The guy picks up the check (I'm still a firm believer in the guy paying for the first date like a real gentleman). Then, the guy walks the girl back to her house, apartment, car, whatever. They're saying goodnight, preferably under the warm orange glow of a streetlight. He leans in, wraps his arms around her waist, and gives her the most perfect goodnight kiss imaginable. The music comes to a crescendo, there are fireworks (sometimes literally) and all is perfect in the magical land of movies. 

Well boys and girls, life, is NOT like that. Not at all. And that makes me sad. Why it seems to upset only me, while others seem perfectly content with it, I don't know. Maybe because I expect too much. Maybe because I think that guys need to watch these kinds of movies to learn how to treat a girl. Maybe because I'm just one of those crazy girls who thinks she is going to find a Mr. Right and hear the music and see the fireworks. Regardless, it saddens me to think that this isn't the case. 

Want to know how I know this? Because, at my school, things don't happen like that. Here in the land of 3,500 undergrads, you are more likely to meet someone while sitting in the basement of some random house off campus drinking warm beer and listening to badly auto-tuned music. If you meet a fraternity boy and you're not in a sorority, then forget about it. You don't stand a chance. Or, you'll meet someone in one of the various clubs or organizations you're a part of. You guys will flirt, but it'll fizzle out, or you'll date and realize it's not working, and then every meeting afterwards will be an awkward trip down memory lane as you're forced to sit across the table from them and try not to think about those times. And I'm not even one of those girls who goes out all the time and hooks up with random guys like it's her job. That's just how life is. But that doesn't mean that is how it should be. 

What I would like to know is what guys today look for in a girl and why. I think I know what they look for. Guys expect girls to look drop-dead gorgeous all of the time. They expect us to have flawless skin, perfect hair, and amazing bodies. God forbid we ever break out in a zit every once in a while, or get a little bloated. I have a guy friend who would be an amazing boyfriend. He's smart, attractive, kind, respects women; the kind of guy you're excited to introduce your dad to cause you know they're going to get along. My friends always say to me, "why don't you date him? You two would be so cute together." The answer, as much as it pains me, is simple. I'm not his type. I am very far from his type and I know that and he knows that. It has become an understood concept in our friendship. What is his type, you may ask? Well his last girlfriend was seemingly perfect. Worked out all the time, flawless skin, perfect blond hair, bright blue eyes. She had it all going on. We asked him what was wrong with her and he said, "she could work out more." Work out more! The chick had a six pack I'm pretty sure.

I know that I will never look like that. I dread going to the gym. I would rather read a book that run on a treadmill, or bake cookies than do squats. My hair is usually a mess, my eyeliner is uneven 99% of the time, and nothing in my wardrobe could be deemed "sexy." I would rather watch HGTV or Netflix than party. I don't drink and I don't smoke anything. I didn't even know what marijuana smelled like before I arrived at school for Resident Assistant training. I cry at ASPCA commercials, and I can't listen to "Don't Forget to Remember Me" by Carrie Underwood without tearing up. I can't watch movies where there is a possibility of the dog getting hurt. I am, however, a kind person. I am loyal and when I love, I love with my entire being. I do not understand how someone can cheat on their significant other, because I can't even have a crush on more than one person at a time. I put others before myself. I feel deeply and love wholly and, while I may not be the prettiest girl or the best dressed, I will be the one that cares the most. Where are the guys that are looking for these kinds of girls? Do they exist? 

This leads me to the ever more important question, "why?" Why do guys think that all girls must look like supermodels? Why don't they go for real women? Why is it so hard to go on an actual date with a guy and not just "hang out" all the time until you realize you're basically dating so you might as well make it official? If someone could please gather the male population and demand the answers to these questions, I, and the rest of the females out there, would greatly appreciate it. 

There is a line in Sleepless in Seattle that really stuck with me. Rosie O'Donnell and Meg Ryan are sitting in Rosie's living room, watching the old romantic movie, An Affair to Remember. Meg Ryan is complaining about relationships and how there is a severe lack of "magic." She states that she wishes she could have a relationship like the one in the movie. Rosie looks at her and says, "that's your problem. You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie." Perhaps that is my problem too. Perhaps that is a lot of women's problems. Hollywood has placed such unreal expectations as to what a relationship should look like and women are only setting themselves up to get hurt. Perhaps we should try to realize that they are only movies and everything is scripted. Perhaps, however, Hollywood should stop making fantasy life look so damn good. Maybe then, we would be able to move on and realize that Mr. Right isn't going to be perfect from the start. There may not be fireworks and music and dazzling good looks, but that will be okay because, once you find the Right One, you'll be so busy being in love, you'll forget about the movies. So, my fellow addicts, hang on. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And perhaps the Right One is there too. 

xoxo,

Ciara